Protect empathy without ignoring the pattern.

Look for small repeated acts: checking, liking, messaging, appearing nearby, using mutual contacts, or creating plausible excuses. One incident may look weak. The sequence is the data.

Abuse by proxy can look like concern, gossip, mediation, triangulation, or a third party repeating a story they have not checked. Record who contacted whom, when, and what was said.

If a boundary becomes "you are hurting me," separate the original boundary from the later emotional argument. Keep the event sequence factual.

Rejection, exposure, or loss of control can trigger persistence. A person's distress does not create a right to invade someone else's life.

Fraud-triangle thinking can help: pressure, opportunity, and rationalisation. In abuse contexts, rationalisation may sound like "I had to", "they made me", or "people need to know".

Do not argue with the mask. Track the mismatch: public politeness, private pressure, selective kindness, sudden witness-friendly behaviour, and different versions of the story.

Use careful wording: some people appear unable or unwilling to process ordinary boundaries without retaliation, denial, grievance, or control-seeking. That describes behaviour without pretending to diagnose cause.

Protect empathy by reducing exposure. Use short written boundaries, no emotional debate, one trusted witness, and an evidence log. If risk escalates, move to support and reporting routes.